


Playing House

by Nocturnal



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 03:36:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3554594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nocturnal/pseuds/Nocturnal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shizuo has an accident when a vending machine meant to kill Izaya ends up hitting him in the head instead. As a result Shizuo blackout and by the time he comes around he is fully convinced that Izaya is his wife and acts as a rather possessive husband.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Playing House

Izaya turned a corner as fast as he could and made it for the main streets. Right at his heels was Shizuo carrying yet another vending machine. Izaya ran faster and fought the urge to look behind. He knew that he would be within throwing range very soon, his only hope was reaching a crowded place out of this maze of alleys. Shizuo bludgeoned ahead but even he would slow down if he had to dodge a flow of people. Loud screams were thundering on his ears and just as Izaya was getting ready to make a final sprint there was an even louder crash. Izaya cast a glance backwards only to find no Shizuo but the big red vending machine now very still.

Izaya halted. For a second he did not know what happened and curiosity won him over. Carefully, he approached the machine next to which Shizuo was sprawled on the ground, a blood on his forehead and a banana peel at his feet. It was karma in action as far as Izaya knew.

"Oh, Shizu-chan! Shi-zu-chan! Wakey wakey!"

Izaya kicked the unconscious man and almost did a happy dance.

"Finally, the Ikebukuro gods do right by me. Orihara Izaya one, Shizu-chan zero!"

He giggled merrily and took out Shizuo's glasses to put them on himself with a mock thoughtful attitude.

"What comes around goes around. Thank you, oh vending machine. You rebelled against your grand oppressor and saved me."

Izaya kicked him again. This was the best thing that happened to him since he learnt that Shizuo had lost his job. His switchblade was out in no time and Izaya smiled.

"I'd rather convince you to take a dive to your death but this will have to do. Goodbye, Shizu-chan. Hope you go to hell…literally!"

Izaya was amused anew by his own crack sense of humor. He was about to deliver the killing cut when a familiar voice piped behind him.

"Orihara-san? Did something happen?"

Mikado stood blinking and Izaya hid the knife before he could catch sight of it.

"Hello, Mikado-kun! Shizu-chan here just had an accident that proves that universal justice ultimately prevails."

"I'm calling an ambulance!"

Izaya sighed, killing the kid would be disagreeable but such was life. Before he had a chance to do so, however, and before Mikado could punch in the number with his shaky fingers, a thunderous voice boomed and they both jumped.

"Iza-chan, what are you doing talking to strangers?"

To Izaya's deep horror and Mikado's relief Shizuo was on his feet and glaring wildly.

"This is my cue."

Izaya would probably have managed to flee if Shizuo had not grabbed his fur fringed hood and thus detained him.

"Heiwajima-san, are you alright?"

Shizuo turned his burning glare to Mikado who suddenly realized he was late for school.

"Who's this punk? Friend of yours?"

Izaya looked around nervously and made a lame attempt at trying to escape.

"Shizu-chan, let's just-"

"Why are you wearing that?"

Mikado took the chance to bow and run away, mumbling some apology and his wishes of a fast recovery. No one heard him.

"Wearing what? It's my favorite jacket, I always wear it."

Shizuo lifted him up and dangled him in the air from the hood. Izaya flailed around hopelessly. The Ikebukuro gods were fickle.

"No wife of mine is going to walk around wearing this shitty outfit."

Izaya stopped struggling.

"Eh? What are you talking about? Wife?"

At this point Izaya began to realize that something was wrong here. Shizuo shook him out of the jacket and picked him up, at which point Izaya began to wonder if something was exceedingly wrong here.

"And why aren't you wearing your wedding ring? Were you cheating on me?"

Izaya's jaw dropped.

"What the hell? Shizu-chan? Hello? Anyone home? I think you hit your head too hard. Maybe we should go to the hospital, how about I go call someone to help-"

"Iza-chan, you will fulfill your wifely duties…whether you like to or not."

Shizuo casually ripped the jacket into so many bits of foamy fabric, sending puffs of fur flying all over the place and then tossed it aside into a trash bin. Along with Izaya's knife, which made it a double loss.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, are you out of your fucking mind? Wifely duties? What the! And my jacket!"

Izaya stuttered in his anger but Shizuo merely dragged him by the arm without much an effort.

"You've been acting strange ever since we came back from our honeymoon. I know, probably sex deprived, huh. Guess once a slut always a slut."

Izaya stumbled to keep up Shizuo's stride.

"Honeymoon? When did that ever happen! I'm not your wife, I'm Orihara Izaya! You know, that guy you really hate? Most definitely not your wife!"

Shizuo was not at all fazed.

"Don't be silly. You're Heiwajima Izaya, Iza-chan for short."

Izaya tripped and nearly fell.

"Holy shit, you totally lost it. I'm telling you I'm not your wife, I'm not even a woman! Look, I'll show you my ID-"

But his wallet was inside his jacket and torn to shreds.

"I don't know if this is one of your trippy kinks but you're obviously my wife. Even if we got married because of a pregnancy scare, fact remains-"

"What the! I'm a guy! Did you also become blind!"

Shizuo stopped suddenly and looked at him closely. Izaya squirmed under the intent gaze.

"Doesn't matter. We're still lawfully wedded."

Shizuo resumed his dragging and Izaya felt panic creeping in.

"We can't be married. Look, you don't have a ring! See?"

"Of course not, you told me not to wear it at work."

They turned a corner into a main avenue and suddenly they were surrounded by the never ceasing crowds of Ikebukuro, the city within a city weaving its nets around them.  
"But- oh yeah, work. Shouldn't you be going back to that soon?"

"Don't feel like it."

"But you'll get fired!"

"Has happened before and it didn't kill me."

It chilled Izaya to realize that this was very much like a married couple quarreling.

"Where are we even going?"

"Here."

They were before a fancy boutique. Izaya thought very quickly. Apparently talking sense into Shizuo was not going to work any time soon so his best option was to play along and put him off his track long enough for Izaya to flee. And leave Tokyo, maybe go to the countryside and lay low for a while.

"Tell you what, how about I buy something sexy and surprise you with it later? I'm a bit short on money but I can get a nice dress on a budget."

"Like that's gonna happen. I'll pick something for you."

Shizuo pushed him into the store and proceeded to drag him along rows of dresses. Izaya sent frantic glances at the store personnel but as it tended to happen a circle of emptiness formed around Shizuo.

"You don't have to go that far-"

"You're telling me I can't buy my wife something nice to wear? Huh? Is that it?"

Izaya took a few steps back.

"Erm, no- but I don't really need anything-"

"The hell you don't! Just look at you!"

And to make his point as clear as possible, Shizuo shoved Izaya in front of a full length mirror.

"You can't walk around like that! It reflects poorly on your husband. Not to mention, you're sexy…it's best to show those curves of yours."  
The last lines were added as a growl. Izaya cringed. He stared at his bleak reflection. The Ikebukuro gods were not only fickle they were cruel as well.

"Eh…Shizu-chan? That's great to hear- I mean, really- but I'm a guy and I'm sure you don't want to-"

"I'd fuck you either way."

Before Izaya could close his gaping mouth Shizuo had handed him a bundle of colorful dresses and a pair of shoes.  
"Wait, wait, there's no need to try these on-"

"Not gonna work so pipe it down."

Shizuo threw him a changing booth then stepped into himself and closed the curtain behind him. Which left a very frightened Izaya in very small quarters with a huge Shizuo. Never before had Izaya realized just how big Shizuo was, he towered tall above him and filled the cramped space almost completely. It occurred to Izaya that other parts of Shizuo were bound to be bigger than average as well and his heart skipped a beat at the thought. The pervasive scent of cigarettes was strong. Izaya backed into a corner until there was literally nowhere left to hide.

"Try this on."

Izaya looked at the slinky red dress that Shizuo handed to him. He was not sure what to think of the black trim of fur that ran around the fringes and the plunging neckline. Further inspection revealed a radical slit that screamed stripper. There were many times when Izaya's life was something straight from the Twilight Zone but this took the cake in more ways than one. Izaya made a final plead.

"Isn't it a bit short?"

"Nah, it's totally your style. Now strip."

It seemed that there was no getting out of this. He fidgeted.

"Turn around?"

"You're my wife, I've seen you naked before. In fact, I see it all the time and it never gets old. Your personality is bad but I still love you. Plus, you're hot."

Shizuo delivered this very flatly as if it was obvious. All the more reason for Izaya to become aware of the exceeding weirdness all over again. He wondered very briefly why of all delusions that could strike Shizuo it had to be this particular one but in the end it did not really matter.

"Erm…thanks. I, erm, love you too?"

Shizuo suddenly slammed him against the thin wall and kissed him hungrily. Izaya could hardly breathe and answer to the harsh kiss that almost unhinged his knees. Fortunately, or not, Shizuo supported his entire weight with his prodigious strength forcibly sucked, bit and sucked again. Izaya was caught unawares and all of his technique was moot. By the time Shizuo allowed him to get some air back into his lungs Izaya was flushed, angry, confused and gasping for breath.

"Iza-chan…"

In no time Shizuo had torn Izaya's flimsy shirt to shreds, nails brushing tender skin. Izaya had a faint hope that Shizuo would come to his senses or at least beat him like usual once he realized the true status of his gender. It crumbled to nothingness once Shizuo pulled Izaya's pants past his hips and did not stop kissing his neck even as he divested him of underwear.

"No, wait! Wait a sec, Shizu-chan- you'll leave marks!"

"That's the whole point. You're mine. I don't share. So I'm just branding you as my property."

A chill ran down his spine. Possessiveness was scary and made scarier when he was fully naked and vulnerable in Shizuo's hold. Izaya tasted danger and by degrees his naturally kinky nature kicked him as Shizuo roamed strong hands all over his body. Izaya was in a daze until he felt something hard and big pressed against him. It did not take too long to realize what it was. Izaya fumbled for words and Shizuo gave him a cocky smile.

"Like I thought, you're sex starved. How do you think I feel? I haven't done it in ages. Not since we came back from Okinawa and we fucked all the way on the plane."  
Izaya had no idea just how Shizuo had concocted all these memories out of nothing. He had a feeling that Shizuo would probably describe the wedding ceremony that never taken place along with the non-existing honeymoon. It occurred to him that maybe it was a very bizarre form of wishful thinking which was insane enough to turn him on considerably.  
"And we're…really faithful and happily married, right?"

Izaya knew that this was a mistake the moment the words left his mouth. Shizuo peered deep into his eyes and Izaya could only swallow and try his very best not to freak He cursed his arousal, it was muddling his mind.

"Did you fool around with other guys?"

"No, no, no. There's only you in my life."

Shizuo did not seem at all convinced.

"Right…or so you say. Gotta make sure."

A long thick finger plunged deep inside Izaya who jolted immediately. Pain flared as Shizuo added two more fingers and moved them around.  
"Get them out! What the fuck, Shizu-chan!"

Izaya's voice cracked. He thanked whatever gods there were (not the Ikebukuro gods, though. Orihara Izaya was done talking to them and if survived this he would move to the countryside) that his sex life had been on a low lately. It was the first time he had been glad not to get laid but today was full of first times.

"Tight. Guess you didn't go around prowling the streets. Good. Because if you ever cheat on me I'll break each of your ribs one by one and then chop your neck after disemboweling you."

Izaya believed him. His fear kicked up a notch and as usual mingled with lust.

Shizuo flipped him over, pert ass in the air and firm hands grasping his hips. Izaya found himself facing the partition unto which he held for dear life. A full length mirror allowed him to see exactly how his slim body quivered, half in expectation and half in apprehension. As he could see Shizuo frantically rummaging his vest pockets and pants.

"Damn, no condom."

Izaya glanced at his own pants now discarded on the floor. He always carried some condoms in the back pocket but it would be considerably bad if Shizuo were to find about that. A metallic clang made him forget about this as Izaya recognized it as a belt buckle falling. Izaya shivered despite himself. Shizuo disentangled himself from all clothes below the waist and lost no time in prying his buttocks, urging Izaya to spread his legs further apart.

"You want to do it here?"

It was a redundant question that did not quite reach rhetorical levels.

"Can't wait any longer. I know you're loud but try to keep it down."

Izaya licked his lips nervously. Shizuo's dick was even bigger than Izaya had thought and he braced himself to take it.

"Shizu-chan, since it's been a while- some prep, please?"

For a heartbeat it seemed as if Shizuo was considering it. Izaya was all for rough sex but even he had his limit and judging by size alone he was quite sure that Shizuo exceeded them. Not to mention the super strength issue.

"Don't feel like it."

That was all Shizuo had to say before shoving his rock hard length into Izaya with one swift thrust. Izaya's field of vision became fully black as searing pain engulfed him whole. But since he was Orihara Izaya his erection only became more sensitive. A gargled sound escaped him. By degrees his eyes cleared enough for him to see again but he had to blink away tears. Shizuo pounded with relentless intensity and a familiar warm tingling feeling filled Izaya with each brusque thrust. Blood roared in his ears. Pain blended into hit and miss pleasure. The mirror showed him rocking in tandem with the impact delivered from behind without abating. The reflection of their bodies, one strong ramming into a lithe one as a rhythm of flesh striking flesh, teased the voyeur in Izaya.

But even if he closed his eyes there was still the occasional groan so close to his ear and the scent of raw sex hanging in the air. All combined to whittle away any resistance and against his better judgment Izaya heard himself moan in a voice he hardly recognized as his own.

"…more."

"You asked for it."

Redoubled pain shot through him as Shizuo picked up his pace. Izaya angled his by now bruising hips and nearly collapsed as his soft spot was hit headlong with a deep thrust that sent radiating waves of white hot pleasure all throughout his body. He forgot all the weirdness of the situation and tossed back his head as the telltale signs of orgasm took over him. His muscles tensed, his breath quickened and then nearly stopped, a painful bliss invading him completely.  
"Shizu-chan!"

 

It was not typical for Izaya to cry out anyone's name as he came but all bets were off. He was almost silent, the overwhelming crescendo plummeting him into a quivering mess with no control over his own body. Shizuo alone kept him from simply falling to the floor and Izaya's mind blanked out, his climax forcefully tiding him over. He spilled all over the place just as Shizuo growled and came inside him while Izaya was still twitching. At length Shizuo pulled out and eased Izaya unto the floor almost gently.

"You made a mess."

Izaya was too busy catching his breath and regaining his bearings to have a clear notion of what Shizuo meant. Shizuo lighted a cigarette and took a deep drag, smoke filling the small cubicle. Izaya shifted, sitting down hurt quite a bit, and a trickle of semen seeped out.  
"Whose fault was that again, geez."

"Said something, Iza-chan?"

Izaya tried to smile candidly. He was sure he failed.

"Nothing."

"Thought so."

Shizuo kissed him with surprising tenderness. Izaya was genuinely taken aback and considerably freaked out. He was still struggled for words when Shizuo tossed him a tissue and picked up his boxers with clear distaste.

"Here, clean yourself up. And why would you wear these? Boxers don't fit my wife. How are you supposed to seduce me with these."

Izaya was tempted to remind him that apparently his choice of underwear did little to dissuade Shizuo's libido but he thought better of it. Shizuo poked his head out of the curtain and barked at someone Izaya could not see.

"You! Get me some panties. Make that a thong, black, size M. And some garters. Oh and black stockings. On the double!"

Izaya had almost forgotten the whole crazy spousal delusion but he was reminded all over again. One night stands were Izaya's thing. Having a leash around his neck, almost literally so, wasn't.

"Is that lingerie for me?"

"Who else would it be for? Are you becoming stupid or something? I suppose it's best if you don't wear kinky stuff when I'm not around. I know what those guys are thinking about when you walk down the street. Don't think I don't know."

Shizuo spoke in a matter of fact manner. The items in question arrived as Izaya finished cleaning himself up. Shizuo inspected them clinically and Izaya nearly giggled as he imagined him ordering Victoria's Secret catalogue.

"Put these on. And then the dress."

No matter how much he fumbled to adjust the thong it still fit awkwardly. In comparison the stockings were alright but the garters gave him a strange feeling. Shizuo puffed smoke, very much against regulations, but then again that hardly mattered all things considered. Izaya put on the dress and decided that the Ikebukuro gods were indeed plotting against him and doing a great job at that.

"Do I really have to wear this?"

"What do you think? And don't forget the shoes."

These proved considerably difficult to manage. Izaya wobbled ungracefully, the stilettos were a pain in every possible way.

"I can't walk in these."

"No problem."

Shizuo picked him up and easily slung him over a shoulder. A spell of dizziness mixed with his surprise. The store swung by and then he was being carried out into the street for the whole world to see.

"Shizu-chan! Put me down already!  
"  
"Thought you couldn't walk."

"I can walk just fine in normal shoes!"

"Tough luck, then."

Izaya could hear people commenting and from the tilted angle of his field of vision he could see a few pointing at them. The odds of anyone actually stopping Shizuo, however, were close to none. His only consolation was that Shizuo was not running.

"Where are we going anyway?"

"Home."

"Home…?"

"You are becoming stupid. You're supposed to be the smart one, remember? Mister 'I deal in information, I'm so amazing'?"

If Izaya were not directly involved he would have found this conflation of absolute fabrication with reality exceedingly interesting. As things stood he was merely dismayed at it.  
"Orihara-san! You're looking stunning today. Red is totally your color!"

Izaya ignored the chirpy attitude, here was a ray of hope. He could see the speaker but he knew the voice very well.

"Kida-kun! Something weird happened to Shizu-chan, will you please tell him we're not married?"

Shizuo stopped and glared at the smiling kid.

"Where do you know Iza-chan from, punk?"

"Iza-chan…? Oh, Iza-chan! I see! I heard it from Mikado that you two were fighting, I'm glad to see all's well now."

Izaya fumed.

"No, you don't see! Don't just stand there, call Shinra or Simon!"

"Sorry, got to hit the arcade now! I wish you all the best, Orihara-san!"

"…why me."

Kida was already skipping away and Izaya made a mental note to get him to have a close encounter with concrete, he'd make an exception to his moral ambiguity and push him off the ledge himself.

"I don't like you talking to those kids. And why do you keep saying you're not my wife? You got a problem with that?"

On top of everything he was getting motion sickness. Just then Shinra popped out of nowhere.

"Congratulations. I was wondering when you guys would come out as a couple. So you tied the knot and all!"

"How on Earth did you…?"

Izaya was too confused.

"Kida-kun told me. This is such a wonderful age we're living in. Information travels so fast. But of course you'd know more about that than me."

"Oy, Shinra. Why are you acting so surprised all of a sudden? You were the groom at our wedding."

Izaya tried to crank his neck to see Shinra but it did not particularly work.

"Indeed I was. And what a wonderful ceremony it was."

"What?"

Shinra adjusted his glasses.

"Shizuo-kun, do you know why wedding dresses are traditionally white? It's because the color represents purity. A bit like those gangs I keep hearing about."

"Shinra! You're doing this on purpose, aren't you. Think it's fun messing with me?"

Unfortunately Izaya was all too aware of how non-threatening he sounded like this, wearing a slutty dress, flung over Shizuo's shoulder who kept his naughty lingerie from showing by tucking the flimsy skirt.

"What're you going on about? We had a traditional Japanese wedding except with colorful kimonos, none of that puffy white stuff."  
"Ah, yes. It was all very tasteful."

Izaya rolled his eyes. But as bizarre as this was he could perhaps use this to his advantage.

"Shizu-chan, why don't you ask him more about this wedding?"

"Like I'd need anyone to tell me about my own wedding day! I remember it perfectly. It's your memory that seems off whack."  
Shinra coughed to get their attention.

"As I was saying, white represents purity and virginity. I am sure Izaya-kun met those requirements. Oh, look at the time! Got to run now!"

Izaya added another name to his hit list. He was so intent on thinking about it that he almost forgot just the entire insanity. Meanwhile Shizuo had halted and was thoughtfully smoking, oblivious or uninterested in the staring he attracted. Eventually he spoke.

"Iza-chan? The doctor raised a very good point. You were a virgin on our wedding night, right? Because he made me wonder."  
The vertigo and overall strain made Izaya careless.

"How should I know, it's all in your mind anyway."

"That's not an answer."

Izaya sighed.

"What does it matter anyway? Would it make a difference? And when are you going to let me down?"

Shizuo tensed, Izaya could feel it underneath him. He was suddenly afraid that he was about to suffer the same fate as all those poor vending machines.  
"It matters to me. I'm an old fashioned guy, I hate the mere thought of other guys touching you."

"Erm, so…we never had sex before we got married?"

"Of course not. I'm a gentleman. Well…there was that time we got drunk and ended up in bed, not sure what happened since we were out of it. But that doesn't count. What I want to know is if there were other guys before that."

Apparently Shizuo's logic was a lot of things but consistent was not one of them. Izaya considered his options.

"You were my first one, Shizu-chan."

Nevermind the fact that these days it would be near impossible to find a virgin past middle school. It was obvious that reality had nothing to do with what was going on in Shizuo's mind. Izaya wondered why everyone assumed that he was the insane one.

"If you're lying to me…I'll make sure you regret it."

Shizuo resumed walking, this time faster. Nausea flitted through Izaya's stomach and a vicious headache joined it. He felt sick, dizzy, powerless and utterly miserable.

"Shizu-chan…I don't feel too good."

"I'm out of cigs. You wait here for a sec, I'll be right back."

Shizuo finally put him down and propped him against a vending machine, the irony hardly registering with Izaya. The moment Shizuo was out of sight Izaya struggled to his feet, hands clawing at the machine because his head was still spinning and the deadly heels were torture to the feet. Izaya was about to kick them out and make a run for it, barefooted or not, but a shadow blocked his way. Too small to possibly be Shizuo's but standing far too close to be a mere bystander. The shadows multiplied, chewing gum and the annoying sound of cell phone keys being punched was all around.

"Oh look, it's that guy from the other day!"

A circle of heavily tanned faces surrounded him. Female voices clattered loudly.

"He's wearing a dress!"

Izaya was nauseous still, without his knife, the girls outnumbered him by far. With so many things stacked against him Izaya was on familiar ground. He was a creature of the city, he had mastered all of its manifold dangers and there was absolutely no way he was going to let a bunch of fake delinquents bully him.  
"Oh? Aren't you clever to notice. You should feel very proud of such a keen sense of perception, it's quite an achievement for the likes of you. Keep evolving and you may just become human one of these days."

The generalized shrieking protests were ever so agreeable.

"You can't talk to us like that!"

"Normally I am against hitting girls but today I am making all sorts of exceptions."

Izaya aimed a sharp pointy heel and kicked who he assumed was the mini-boss of this idiotic squad. He lost his balance as his shoe sank into a soft belly, the girl's whooshing shock ringing beautifully in his ears, and caught two handfuls of long hair that he ripped to regain his footing. Izaya half stumbled and delivered rounds of punches, cell phones flying as he knocked them down. He channeled all of his pent up frustration into scattering the pack. The more hysteric the cries became the more eagerly Izaya danced his crazy waltz of violence. In his mind the ganguro morphed into the Ikebukuro gods and Izaya giggled happily while he ripped apart a pair of polyester wings. They were nearly dispersed, these semi-demonic petty gods that buzzed franticly, when a vending machine landed in their midst and the panicky girls finally bolted away and were soon gone.  
"I leave you alone for five minutes and you go and start a fight."

Izaya turned to find Shizuo. It was now impossible to escape and Izaya nearly screamed at his bad luck.

"They started it."

Shizuo snorted.

"Bet you did something to them first. But it's all good, it's just like when we first met."

Izaya's natural curiosity was engaged in unraveling the craziness. There was little Izaya could do other than bide his time and learn what he could about the details of Shizuo's unpredictable delusion.

"I was fighting when we met?"

Shizuo produced a key and opened a door that lead into a lobby.

"Aren't you always? It's either that or mind fucking. Of course I'd heard about you before but- and don't just stay here, come on in. We're home."

Izaya took a tentative step and Shizuo picked him up and carried him up the long flight of stairs, all the way to the very last storey of the skyscraper.

"Shizu-chan? Whatever happened to using the elevator?"

"I like this better."

Izaya shrugged. Shizuo steadily climbed up and Izaya tried to catch a glimpse of emergency stairs each time they passed a window. He might be able to use them if Shizuo dropped his guard long enough. Shizuo reached what seemed to be his apartment, unlocked the door and placed Izaya in the anteroom.

"Stay."

Before Izaya could ask anything, Shizuo left, the door banging on his wake and returned immediately.

"Tadaima."

Izaya blinked a few times. Shizuo was deadly solemn which added to the surreal weirdness.

"Erm, okaeri?"

"You are supposed to use the formal expression."

Shizuo removed his shoes and tucked them away. Izaya had a feeling that he was trapped in a cheesy tv drama of the most clichéd kind.

"Okaerinasai!

Izaya chirped in his most chirpy voice. Unfortunately there was a mocking undertone to it as usual.

"Better. But you don't sound like you mean it. It's tradition for the wife to welcome the husband home and be happy about it."

Izaya almost asked if it was also tradition to force a guy into crossdressing and then raping him in a changing booth. Shizuo's idea of 'tradition' was beyond left field.

"Okay…"

The mood changed as Shizuo slowly removed Izaya's heels and lowered the stockings with his teeth. Izaya shivered. His dress was too short it adhered too close to the skin to hide a budding erection. Shizuo's eyes glinted while he parted Izaya's knees.

"Fist fights are not really something a wife should be into but I gotta admit…seeing you kicking some ass always turns me on."

Izaya tried to wiggle his way from under Shizuo but it was no use.

"Well, if people attack me I'm not going to just take it lying down."

Shizuo layered shallow kisses down his leg, tracing a finger along the opposite thigh.

"You do plenty of attacking yourself. Truth is, Iza-chan…you need a strong man to handle you."

If that was true then Izaya had way more than what he bargained for. Shizuo rubbed him through the lacy fabric of the thong and Izaya shivered.

"You want to do it again…?"

"I can never get enough of you."

Izaya bit his tongue. He had to because a giggling fit was at hand. Maybe this was a case of split personality but crazy possessive Shizuo had just as much of a sense of humor as regular violent vending machine throwing Shizuo: none.

"Shizu-chan, we should move to bed."

Apparently Izaya was getting fucked no matter what he did so he might as well push for a mattress instead of the floor.

"It's tradition for us to have sex right here when I get home. That's what welcoming is all about."

"Ah. Right. Can't go against that."

Shizuo lowered the thong this time around, just enough to free Izaya's now full fledged erection while keeping the cloth line pressed between his buttocks. Shizuo lifted the dress, licked circles around his belly and sucking his bellybutton. Izaya did not expect Shizuo to be such a tease. He tried not to think of Shizuo's tongue travelling a bit further down and failed miserably.

"See? I know your body in and out and I know just what to do with it."

To make the point Shizuo pinched a nipple, hard enough to make Izaya scream. Somehow, as impossible as it was, Shizuo did have a fairly good idea of how to trigger Izaya's soft spot which he proved again by grazing his lips against a very hard penis.

"Shizu-chan…"

"What do you want?"

Izaya tried to pump himself but Shizuo pried his fingers off, again reminding him of the mismatch in physical strength between the two of them. Despite the absurdity of this entire scenario Shizuo gained some points in Izaya's estimation by adding some word play to their ever so unexpected sex life. Izaya kissed Shizuo, pouring all of his experience and skill into it. He was too hot and becoming far too needy to dissuade Shizuo at this point and it would have been useless anyway.

"You know what I want. Could you…suck me?"

Izaya knew that he was taking a risk and that made his oozing tip ooze some more.

"I love it when you talk dirty."

Shizuo complied by exposing Izaya's reddish head and lathering it with saliva. Izaya moaned in expectancy. Shizuo carried on, licking and working his tongue as his mouth covered him completely. The wet warmth and rough suction caused Izaya to ball his hands into fists, eyes rolling as he suppressed another moan. Shizuo sent melting waves of pleasure straight into his veins. Izaya tried to flatten himself against the floor boards, his head was placed on a tiny step, to avoid pushing into Shizuo who might very well bite if Izaya did so.

"Shizu-chan, if you don't stop that I'm going to come…"

Some spittle ran down his member as Shizuo released it. The sudden lack of stimuli was torture.

"Go right ahead and come. I'll do you shortly."

Shizuo looked at him with perfect seriousness. Izaya patted blonde hair. He hated Shizuo, he really did, but it was easy to forget it when he was being sucked like this. Shizuo bobbed his head up and down rapidly, adjusting to accommodate engorged flesh in and out of his mouth. Izaya could feel tongue swirling on skin, lips applied to it and the hint of teeth somewhere in the mix. He forced his eyes wide open as his climax exploded on him, seeing Shizuo greedily swallowing his release was a thrill in its own. Shizuo drank every single drop and wiped a trail of semen from the corner of his lips that he licked. Izaya kissed him, tasting salt and wrapping his arms around his broad body, his afterglow making him float.

Shizuo smiled darkly as he removed the panties from a still swaying Izaya.

"My time now."

Izaya was still in a daze and in no position to struggle. He did, however, have something to add as Shizuo kicked off pants and underwear and pinned him down.

"Shizu-chan? I don't want to sound demanding or anything but could you at least get naked?"

In the hazy mood in which Izaya was currently afloat he was not even afraid of ordering Shizuo around. Which did not seem to surprise Shizuo, who actually nodded and proceeded to undo bowtie, vest and shirt.

"You're right, naked is better."

"Yeah…"

Izaya was a bit sleepy. That did not last because Shizuo suddenly hooked one Izaya's legs over his shoulder and sheathed inside of him in the same move. Izaya jolted and screamed wordlessly. There went his feel good glow and back was the blinding pain.

"But you're keeping the dress on."

Tears brimmed Izaya's eyes. He really did hate Shizuo and at the moment he hated him with the passion of a million blazing suns. His insides were ablaze with flaming torment that redoubled when Shizuo started to move.

"…hurts! Fuck, Shizu!"

Izaya dug his nails into Shizuo's arms and hardly drew any blood, the muscle underneath was utterly unharmed much to his annoyance.

"Won't hurt for long."

Izaya's cries were muffled by a deep kiss. He did not react and was passive as Shizuo ravaged him. The step added an extra bit of pain that was borderline unbearable.

"…change position, please. Fucking step's going to cut my head off!"

At this point it occurred to Izaya that Shizuo was more likely to get him killed without trying then when he was hurling vending machines at him. Shizuo stopped and blinked a few times. Probably unable to think properly and to process information, Izaya thought and for once his intellectual superiority did not give him a sense of glee.

"Sorry."

Shizuo got him on his side and resumed his pounding into him. Izaya was mid-protest when Shizuo hit just the right spot. The pain did not at all diminish but each thrust that followed made him more sensitive to the scalding pleasure that shook his lithe frame.

"Er…"

Izaya could not exactly speak. He was hard again and Shizuo's naked body had its own kind of animalistic magnetism that he would not have resisted if he could. Which he could not since Shizuo saw fit to grab his dick and pump it in tandem with his thrusting motion and thus shattered whatever reluctance he might still have.

"I get to come first this time around."

Izaya nodded. He was getting very close but judging by Shizuo's now frantic pace he was closer. Shizuo came grunting into his ear as he emptied himself inside Izaya. Hot liquid shot into him and toppled him over. Izaya released on the floor, his climax a perfect mix of sharp pain and overwhelming pleasure all conveyed by the friction of flesh hitting flesh.

He ended up resting in Shizuo's arms and catching his breath. Shizuo finally removed the dress and inspected it closely before concluding,

"Didn't get dirty. Good."

Izaya leaned against the strong chest that hardly heaved despite all the wild sex. He could smell tobacco as Shizuo lit a cigarette and then he was being cleaned and carried to a sofa. Shizuo left for a second, the sound of water running in some unseen place reached Izaya, and then he was back and sitting next to him.

"Bath's running."

"Hmm…"

That sounded like a good idea. Izaya was sticky and he would not at all mind having a nice bath.

"Valentine's just around the corner. I'm expecting some home made chocolates. Heart shaped."

Izaya had to laugh.

"Let me guess, it's tradition!"

"I don't get your sense of humor."

"At least I have one, Shi-zu-chan."

Shizuo shrugged.

"I guess. But who cares, I can satisfy you and that's all that matters."

"Aye, aye. No need to be so rough about it, though."

Izaya stretched then winced. He hurt all over.

"I suppose I get a bit carried away at times…but that's because I love you."

"Ah yes, love. I'll make you some vending machine shaped chocolate while I'm at it."

Needless to say Izaya had never cooked in his whole life.

"I hate vending machines. They are whores. It doesn't matter who feeds them coins, they accept anyone. They're the whores of the machine world."

Izaya's jaw dropped.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm always serious. That's why I kick and throw them around. I hate whores."

"I think the vending machine's pulled one on you."

"What do you mean? Like, they're plotting?"

Izaya burst out laughing. It hurt a bit he could not help it.

"Oh Shizu-chan. Will you ever find out."

Shizuo peered into his eyes.

"You're making fun of me."

"No, no, I'm laughing with you. Not at you."

Which was a blatant lie but such was life. Shizuo picked him and carried him to the almost full bathtub. Steam filled the air, adding to Izaya's sense of lethargy. It amused him how carefully Shizuo placed him in the warm water and he sighed happily.

"Nice…"

Shizuo joined him in the tub and cradled him into his lap. Izaya was too comfortable to protest.

"Say, did you hear anything about the vending machines from your sources?"

Izaya slowly soaped himself. A mischievous mood was on him.

"I have heard that they are preparing to take over the city."

Shizuo nodded somberly.

"Yes, I suspected as much."

He hugged Izaya as if to shield him.

"Iza-chan, you don't have to worry. I'll protect you against the vending machines. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Izaya thought about sad kitties, very sad kitties, sad kitties weeping in the cold rain. And he still felt like cackling madly. He then remembered that the arms around him could easily break his bones and squeeze him dead which sobered him considerably.

"Thanks…that is real nice of you."

"I'm your husband after all."

Shizuo combed Izaya's hair, softly. Izaya was drifting asleep when Shizuo decided that it was confessional time.

"When I was a kid, there was this red vending machine in front of my home. I used to talk to it, it was like a friend to me. But one day I saw this older guy using my vending machine and it broke my heart."

Not for the first time in this whacky day Izaya bit his tongue to stifle a fit of laughter. The sad kitties weren't cutting it. He wondered if this odd childhood memory was also part of Shizuo's grand delusion or whether it had indeed happened.

"There, there, Shizu-chan. It's okay…everything's okay now."

"Iza-chan…"

Shizuo kissed him deeply, hands roving the naked curves of his body and pulling him in closer. Izaya's reply was a bit sloppy and lazy. The low resistance of steam and water were the only things between them. It was very comfortable to cuddle like this and it was something Izaya had never actually tried before. Just when Izaya was getting used to enjoying this Shizuo kissed him again, this time hungrily. Izaya shifted a bit and something hard was poking his thigh. He looked down.

"Hot damn, Shizu-chan. Just how many times can you get it up in a day?"

"On my off days we do it all the time…so…quite a few times. Iza-chan…I love you."

Izaya was almost used to these lame yet very earnest declarations. He was not sure he could handle another round but you only live once after all. Izaya considered his options, Shizuo would not be dissuaded. No wonder Shizuo could never keep a girlfriend for long, he probably ended up killing them with too much sex or scaring them senseless. In a way, they were a match made in heaven, Shizuo and Izaya were. Maybe Shizuo suspected that it was so subconsciously. Or maybe the vending machine was indeed having its revenge.

"Shizu-chan, can I be on top? I want to ride you…"

"It's not like you to ask so meekly."

Izaya licked his ear, snaking a tongue inside.

"I just want to take things at my own pace for once."

Shizuo nodded. He caressed Izaya's sides with fluttery touches. Izaya slid a finger inside himself and then another. The water made it much easier and the contact with Shizuo's naked body was having its effect. Izaya's libido, already very demanding in itself, was getting even more so thanks to Shizuo's crazy sex drive.

"You're so hot. So hot, Iza-chan."

Izaya reached for the shower head and brought it to his entrance. Water teased him and he was hard in no time. Shizuo devoured him with his eyes and Izaya trembled slightly. Having such a sexy beast looking at him such intensity was a huge turn-on. Izaya licked a nipple, rolling it around in his mouth and to his delight Shizuo moaned under his breath. Very low but most definitely a moan.

"Seems like you like this."

Izaya moved to the other nipple, lathering up before he climbed unto Shizuo and slowly lowered his ass until he was completely filled. For a while he did nothing but remain very still to adjust to the felling of a hard dick inside him. Without a doubt Shizuo was big. At length Izaya relaxed his thighs and managed to breathe more or less normally.

He nipped the hollow of Shizuo's neck, playfully. Shizuo caressed his sides then planted both of his hands on his buttocks, squeezing them together. It was Izaya's turn to moan.  
"And you like this, Iza-chan."

Izaya had to agree. He moved slowly, trying to strike a rhythm. Shizuo caught him in a passionate kiss that almost distracted him. Izaya traced well defined chest muscles underneath wet skin. He had a feeling that even if he bit hard Shizuo would not even flinch. Izaya's teeth grazed the neck. He resuming his rocking, this time a bit faster, using Shizuo's body for leverage. Izaya could feel Shizuo jettisoning to take control so he slowed down on purpose and whispered into his ear.

"Shizu-chan, we've done it your way so far…how about I show you how good I can make it for you in my own way?"

To make the point Izaya clenched and immediately Shizuo moaned at the redoubled tightness. Izaya smiled.

"See what I mean, Shizu darling? You shouldn't underestimate my skills in this area."

Shizuo nodded. Izaya was well pleased, he only hoped that Shizuo's mind was too clouded at the moment to make a possible connection between Izaya's knowledge and some prior experience.

"Just make sure you last."

"You're such a tease, Iza-chan…"

Izaya timed his swaying motion to keep Shizuo on the edge. The water lapped at them both and Izaya leaned forward without breaking his now steady pattern, breathing his moans into Shizuo's ear. Izaya picked up speed when the tip of the hardness pushing and out hit just the right spot, he rode him with all he had to keep the melting feeling spreading through him. A wicked idea occurred to him. He had to force himself to slow down and smiled when Shizuo groaned.

"Do you want to come, Shizu-chan?"

"Izaya…"

Shizuo spoke through gritted teeth. Izaya was on a power trip here.

"Say it. "

Izaya's grin was typically Izaya. Shizuo ran his fingertips down Izaya's spine and squeezed his ass. He nearly drooled, there was something kinky in this demand. Especially when the disparity in strength between them was so absurdly great.

"Let me come, Iza-chan."

Izaya almost climaxed just from that. Instead he sucked a nipple and meowed,

"Be nice and say please."

Izaya was taking a risk. Shizuo might just flip and bite his head off. That was part of the excitement.

"Please…"

There was only so much Izaya could take. He moved up and down Shizuo's shaft, breathless pants escaping from his lips as he gathered momentum. Izaya came without relenting his frantic pace. He splashed his load on Shizuo but hardly saw it, the world blanked out from his perception as his body convulsed in ecstasy. He was barely aware of Shizuo's orgasm but he appreciated Shizuo's glazed eyes and pleasure filled expression.

Izaya slid off, spent, and nearly collapsed below the water line. Shizuo propped him up.

"Hey, don't go drowning on me!"

Semen floated about, Izaya played with it lazily. He was exceedingly tired and every bit as content.

"Sleepy…Shizu-chan."

Shizuo kissed him gently and ruffled his hair as if Izaya were some sort of puppy.

"I'll take you to bed."

True to his word Shizuo wrapped a towel around his waist then carefully dried him and carried him into the bedroom. It felt like the longest of times since Izaya had felt a mattress under him and he was very thankful for it now. Sleep claimed him while Shizuo's voice droned in the background, something about love and other lame things that did not interest Izaya in the slightest.

He did not know for how long he dozed but it seemed all too soon when a shouting Shizuo brusquely woke him up and scared him enough to bounce off bed out of instinct.  
"Where the hell are your things! All of your clothes are gone! Were you planning to leave me? And moving in with some secret lover?"

Shizuo stood fuming before an empty closet. Izaya cursed inwardly.

"I wasn't-"

"You're cheating on me! Izaya,"

He readied himself for the blow that would send him hurling through the wall and probably end his life. Izaya closed his eyes and flinched in advance. Shizuo placed his big calloused hands on Izaya's small shoulder and lowered his head so that when Izaya opened his eyes all he could see was unruly blonde hair. He was hunting for something to say when Shizuo looked up, tears trembling at the edges of his eyes.

"Izaya, don't you love me? Is that it? I can't bear the thought- if you don't love me then life isn't worth living."

It crossed Izaya's mind that maybe he could talk Shizuo into jumping off a building. Then Shizuo sobbed and he knew he could not do it.

"Shizu-chan, I've been trying to tell you this but you wouldn't listen-"

"So you do have someone else?"

Izaya saw no other option other than making a final attempt at bursting the crazy delusion.

"Just let me finish, okay? This is what happened: You were chasing me around with a vending machine- the whoring kind, I bet- like you always do. Only this time around you slipped on a banana peel and the machine hit you in the head. And it hit you hard. When you woke up you had this crazy notion that we are married."

Shizuo blinked. Very puzzled but at least he did not look like he was on the verge of crying.

"What…?"

"We were never married! It's all in your mind! That's why you can't find any of my clothes or stuff here. We never lived together. In fact, you hate my guts!"

For a moment it seemed as if Shizuo was actually considering this. Then he opened a drawer in the bedside table and triumphantly produced a ring.

"Ha! How do you explain this?"

Izaya mutely turned the tiny bit of gold around.

"And see, it has both of our names there! 'Shizuo and Izaya'. That's my wedding ring. See? Honestly, what is wrong with you?"

Izaya opened his mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Still nothing occurred. Meanwhile Shizuo was on a roll.

"There's more, too. Behold!"

He slammed open another closet and removed a huge pillow from its confines. A very big pillow with Izaya's picture on it. Shizuo held it out in front of him for Izaya, a very freaked out Izaya, appreciate.

"What…what the hell is that?"

"My very own costume made Orihara Izaya dakimakura! One of a kind, no one else has anything like it in the whole world!"

For which Izaya was glad. He blinked a couple of times. For once Izaya could not exactly process the information.

"What? How- why? How? What?"

Izaya did not care about how incoherent he sounded. Things were made stranger by the fact that this was a teenage picture of his. Taken way before vending machine revenge. Shizuo seemed to think he had just won the argument.

"I got it before we got married. When we were still in school, in fact. It was love at first sight and I needed to feel you close to me to fall asleep at night. I kept it for sentimental reasons. That's how deep my love for you is!"

Izaya's jaw came undone. He took a step back.

"Shizu-chan? Erm, I mean- erm."

Izaya fumbled for words. Eventually he thought of something.

"How about I go get some food, we could have some sushi-"

"Oh, I see it now. So that's what it is. Your secret lover is Simon!"

"What? How did you conclude that-"

Shizuo pointed at him while still holding the massive pillow.

"Ha! So you don't deny it!"

Izaya was genuinely afraid for his life. He was about to deny it, it was not even remotely true but he would deny pretty much anything at this point when fate, coincidence or a wicked combination of the two brought upon by the evil Ikebukuro gods intervened:

"Sushi! Nice sushi! It won't kill you, go this restaurant- what was the name again- and try our sushi!"

Shizuo glowered. The heavily accented voice was approaching and when it stopped in front of apartment door Shizuo sprang into action and banged the door open, nearly knocking out a considerably startled Simon.

"So you're here to steal my wife, huh. Not gonna happen!"

Simon blinked and blinked some more. Izaya could relate but this was his golden opportunity for leaving this place alive. He was tiptoeing away when Shizuo grabbed him by the wrist.

"You're not going anywhere, Iza-chan. How could you do this to me! It's just like that vending machine, I love it so much but you still don't love me back. Why?"

Shizuo seemed to remember that Simon was still standing on the threshold. And that Izaya still had no clothes on.

"And you! That's my wife you're drooling over. I'll make you regret the day you were born!"

Without further ado Shizuo landed a punch on the towering man and thus let go of Izaya who was about to flee. Unfortunately for him, Simon reacted out of instinct and punched back, effectively sending Shizuo flying and falling on Izaya that suddenly became a human pancake. As luck would have it ended up trapped under Shizuo but not quite dead because of the gigantic one of a kind pillow.

"Urgh…Shizu-chan! Get off me!"

Simon approached fearfully.

"Heiwajima-san has passed out."

"Gah…get him off me! And hurry, before he wakes up!"

"Orihara-san, is this some Japanese costume I don't know about? I always want to learn about this country- maybe it's a Tokyo thing?"

Izaya tried to squirm without any success.

"No! Help me, never mind that!"

"Oh, I forgot to remove my shoes. Must pay my respects to the owners of this house."

To Izaya's astonishment Simon actually proceeded to get barefoot.

"Just get him off me already!"

Shizuo groaned and sat up, slowly, so that Izaya was more of a human tatami now.

"Fuck you Shizu! Get off!"

He was in too much pain to even be afraid. Shizuo looked around dazedly.

"Why are you naked? And what are you doing in my house? You louse!"

Shizuo jumped to his feet and glared at Izaya.

"Oh great, so now you're sane."

Simon decided that this might be a good time to let the Japanese handle their Japanese affairs. He left without retrieving his shoes and made a mental note to avoid this entire block in the future.

"What the hell happened…? Wait…oh…shit."

Everything came back to Shizuo and he grew very pale.

"Happy now, Mister crazy-rapist-husband?"

"Damned vending machine! But why didn't you tell me?"

Izaya rolled his eyes drastically.

"I told you about a million times, what I want to know is why the hell you have a wedding ring with our names on and a creepy dakimakura with my picture!"

Shizuo started, stammered, mumbled and colored to the roots of his blonde hair.

"No reason…"

Izaya crossed his arms.

"Not gonna cut it. You just forced me to crossdress, raped me, raped me some more, dragged down Ikebukuro wearing a dress, raped me- and did I mention the rape part?"

Shizuo shuffled his feet.

"You didn't have to play along with it!"

"You would kill me otherwise!"

"Oh. Good point."

"Don't I know it, hubby dearest."

"You don't have to make fun of me!"

Izaya was thoroughly enjoying this unexpected turn of events.

"Why don't you explain the pillow and the ring, huh? Shi-zu-chan?"

Shizuo looked away. He was redder than a tomato. Revenge was a sweet thing. Shizuo finally exploded.

"Okay, fine! So I wanted to have a nice traditional marriage with a wife and all that! Is that so strange?"

"In a word: Yes."

Shizuo shifted uncomfortably.

"I think it's normal…"

"Your first crush was a vending machine, I don't think you're qualified to even say that. And by the way you should really check out the meaning of 'traditional' in the dictionary."

Shizuo brooded gloomily.

"Can't we just…forget this ever happened?"

"Hmm…even the part about how you can't sleep without that pillow next to you? I won't even go into your whacky fake memories."

"So what if I had a crush on you…"

Izaya made a shell with his hand on his ear.

"Said something, Shizu-chan? Can't exactly hear you."

Shizuo flinched.

"Fuck you! So what if I had a crush on you- doesn't mean that I like you or anything!"

"Actually…it means just that."

"Will you put some clothes on!"

Izaya was beyond amused. Shizuo was far too embarrassed to be dangerous. It was almost cute.

"Oh? I bet I'm not wearing much when you think about me, lying in your bed, next to the pillow…"

Shizuo scratched his head and looked around as if afraid the vending machines were about to ambush him.

"It's all your fault anyway!"

"How the hell can it possibly be my fault?"

"You go around looking all sexy- my mind goes places!"

Izaya burst out laughing. He was laughing so hard that he had to sit in bed lest he fall down. Shizuo stared.

"Oh, Shizu! You're too much!"

Shizuo pushed him flat on his back and climbed onto the bed so that once again Izaya was pretty much trapped.

"This is why it's your fault! You're always like this, a bloody tease!"

"Well I'm sorry, honey. Blame me for the fact you think I'm too hot for words."

Shizuo narrowed his eyes.

"I never said that."

"Actually…you did. Just a while ago, in fact. Iza-chan loves you so much!"

Izaya pouted.

"You're not going to tell people about this…right?"

"I don't have to. You've paraded me around half of Tokyo while making very sure everyone heard about your wife."

Shizuo licked his lips. It was the first time Izaya had seen him genuinely embarrassed and it was a priceless moment all around. With that said he was getting turned on.

"But they don't know about the ring…and the pillow…and the wedding dress."

"The wedding dress…? Do I want to know…?"

Shizuo flailed.

"So I got this kimono I like to think of as a wedding dress. It would look great on so- it was an impulse buy, you get it? Just an impulse buy!"

Which did not exactly change anything as far as Izaya could tell.

"Shizu-chan, I used to think that you were this really straight and boring guy but it turns out you're kinky. And good in bed, too."

Izaya tacitly omitted the stalker and rapist part. Shizuo mumbled some more, it was finally catching up with him that he was in bed pinning a naked Izaya down and staring.  
"That's because you're a slut."

"Shizu-chan…could it be that the reason why you chase me all the time is because you want to fuck me?"

"Don't go flattering yourself."

"Are you saying you don't want to fuck me?"

Izaya touched the towel around Shizuo's waist and lowered it just a bit.

"What are you doing?"

"Now now, darling. It's far too late to be playing innocent now. I'm so much better than a pillow."

Shizuo hesitated before locking lips, teeth clashing.

"I'll kill you after I'm done."

"Aw, but then how can I make you tea, and make sweet chocolate cookies shaped like hearts…"

Shizuo glowered.

"Always knew you were a louse."

"If you ever hit me again I am so suing for domestic violence."

"You wouldn't dare."

Izaya crossed his arms.

"Want to bet on that?"

Despite his anger Shizuo hesitated.

"Batshit crazy, that's what you are."

"After today you're in no place to judge me, dear."

Shizuo growled something unintelligible.

"There's nothing wrong with your body, it's your personality that is bad."

Izaya sighed and gripped the sheets.

"Shizu-chan…when you say such horrible things, it makes Iza-chan so sad."

Izaya willed himself to tear up. Shizuo flailed.

"Oy, don't you go crying now! That's a cheap trick!"

"But, but, you're so mean to me."

"Izaya!"

"Are you going to keep on screaming at me? It's almost like we really are married: plenty of arguing and no sex."

"That's it!"

 

The bed creaked loudly as Shizuo removed his towel and sank into him with one swift thrust. Izaya's eyes rolled up until only the whites showed.

"…rapist!"

Shizuo did not notice as Izaya dug his nails on strong arms and clawed hard enough to tear at the skin. He was angry at being so aroused and that in turn only made him more aroused.

"It's not rape…when…you ask….for it."

"Ah."

For the time being Izaya had nothing to say. Shizuo's borderline brutal ramming was as painful as ever if not more since he was already sore but that melted with the heat building in the pit of his stomach.

"Shizu-chan…it's like our wedding night!"

"Shut up!"

The bed legs gave way and collapsed. None of them paid any attention.

"Missionary is…so romantic."

Shizuo half bit half kissed him. Izaya's reply was sloppy, his usual amazing technique was gone at this point.

"Urgh…"

Izaya's flushed face and the way he was spread out on the mattress suddenly reminded Shizuo of his beloved dakimakura and he actually stopped, drops of sweat running down blonde hair and falling on his dream wife.

"No stopping, Shizu-chan… "

The moany request sent a blaze through Shizuo's body. He twisted Izaya's hard nipple.

"So much for rape, huh."

Izaya put his arms around him.

"Maybe I'm falling for you."

Shizuo grunted.

"Like hell you are. You just like the way I fuck you."

A particular strong thrust made Izaya see stars.

"So true…"

Izaya held his breath as he held on for dear life, nearly shredding the sheets. He came almost silently, white searing pleasure unhinging him completely. Shizuo followed shortly and held him down as he released deep inside Izaya. Shizuo kissed him afterwards, Izaya kissed back and closed his eyes. At length Shizuo pulled out. He looked around slightly at a loss.

"You know, what you said later…about the vending machines, was that true?"

Shizuo did not want to be made fun of but this was a very important issue that he had to settle. Izaya stretched, winced at the lingering pain that cut through his afterglow, and yawned. He rolled on his side and realized that he was hungry.

"Oh yes. They are up to something. By the way, I believe it is lunch time. Got any food around?"

"I think so- wait, you're eating here?"

Izaya yawned again.

"Of course. Fourth round pretty much killed me. I'm not budging until I can walk properly so be a good husband and fix me something to eat."

"Traditionally it should be the wife cooking."

Izaya chuckled.

"You really should check out the meaning of 'traditional', Shizu-chan."

Shizuo left and returned shortly with a steaming cup ramen.

"Here. Noodles. It's all I have."

Izaya propped himself with a bundle of pillows and sampled the food.

"If you hadn't chased away sushi man I could be eating some nice fatty tuna instead of instant food."

"So you are fooling around with Simon!"

"Are you still harping on about that? One track mind. If you must know, I'm single. And you just ruined my chances of getting laid. Who do you think will dare come close if they think we're in a relationship? No one has that big a death wish, not even the people I get to jump off buildings."

Izaya saw a greater plan in the Ikebukuro gods, surely this was their way of making him celibate for life.

"Good. We could always, you know…go steady. Or something. Since you did say the sex was good."

"Hmm…Iza-chan is taking a nap now. Talk to you later."

"You can't just fall asleep now!"

Izaya rolled his eyes.

"Okay, fine. I'll be your fuck buddy, happy now? But on two conditions. One, get a new bed. And two…the pillow's got to go. It's creepy."

Shizuo hesitated.

"But it's a one of a kind Orihara Dakimakura, costume made…"

"Oh well, your loss."

"Okay! I'll get rid of it."

*

Later that day:

"Take good care of it."

Shizuo hugged his precious pillow and handed it to Celty. Shinra joined them next to the ghostly black bike.

"Aw, sure you want to get rid of it?"

Shizuo nodded gloomily.

"Just take it away- for a while. I'll call you when I can get it back."

The plan was to ship the dakimakura to some destination and then retrieve it when Shizuo had come up with a way of hiding it in his apartment without a certain Orihara Izaya finding it. Shizuo wiped a tear.

"I'll come for you!"

That night Celty and Shinra toasted to the newly wed couple and decided to take pics of the pillow. After a few bottles of wine those pictures got posted online.

*

A few days later:

"Shizu-chan, Shizu-chan! Happy Valentine's!"

Shizuo jumped, blushed and fidgeted. Izaya handed him a platter of home made chocolate cookies and turned. He was wearing the sexy wedding kimono that turned out to have a really revealing slit that showed a generous amount of leg.

"Thanks."

Izaya smiled happily. As long as it was indoors he was fine crossdressing and he had to admit that he did look great in the outfit. Shizuo picked up a cookie and started right away.

"What! Vending machine shaped?"

"Oh yes. Face your fears, Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo jabbed a finger.

"You're making fun of me! You're always making fun of me!"

"Not always. And besides, we're playing house, right? That means it's okay to be a bit playful. And to quote the big man, 'Eat this, it won't kill you.'"

Shizuo gobbled a cookie, still suspicious.

"I still think you have a thing for Simon."

"And I still think you're insane so all's good. And you should be happy, do you have any idea how long it took me to make these nice cookies just for you?"

Shizuo devoured the rest of the chocolaty cookies. Izaya was amused. He was about to add something snarky when Shizuo presented him with a document.

"Here. I was thinking- that since we do this all the time- that I should add you to my family registry."

Izaya gasped.

"Shizu-chan!"

"I just thought- it would be the right thing to do."

"Does this mean I get all of your things if you die?"

"I guess? Wait, are you thinking about killing me?"

Izaya rolled his eyes.

"Paranoid much? By the way, Shizu-chan, love of my life, light of days, heart of my joy-"

"Will you stop mocking me!"

"I was browsing the other day and look what I found."

Shizuo took a step back as Izaya presented the laptop with a picture of the dakimakura.

"Hehe, seems like someone else has one of these…"

"Do you honestly think you can fool me, Shizu-chan? I do that for a living so you might as well give up. To quote you, this is a one of a kind, costume made Orihara Izaya body pillow."

Shizuo hanged his head in defeat.

"Are you leaving me now?"

"Not at all! I'm playing fire with fire. I had this made."

Izaya waltzed to a closet and removed a very large pillow.

"Shizu-chan, behold! It's a one of a kind Heiwajima Shizuo dakimakura. I've been selling these online and made a small fortune."

"How could you do that!"

"Easy, I just took pictures of you after sex and then-"

"That's not what I mean!"

"Awww…Shizu-chan is sad now? What a shame. I was about to tell you that I have enough money for us to go to Okinawa and-"

"Really?"

"Indeed. So rejoice."

Shizuo hugged him and kept on hugging him until Izaya was sure a rib or two was about to break.

"Shizu-chan- let go-"

"This will be great!"

"Yeah, yeah."

"We can stay in a room under the same surname!"

"Isn't that amazing."

Shizuo kissed Izaya, forcing him to stand on tiptoe as he deepened the kiss.  
Up in the sky the Ikebukuro gods high-fived.

**The End**


End file.
